Finn the Rat's Blog

Funny thing life I have decided, how we all live it, and percieve it in different ways.

For example 3 years ago, back in Co Cork, my life was being controleed by the stuff that was going on around me. My brother had died, after a long and what I can only describe as vile illness of leukaemia, with me at 14 15 years of age watching the person I looked up to as my hero dealing with a condition that by its nature strips the sufferer of all dignity, but somehow he managed to make the suffereing itself dignified, at the same time my biological father continued to drink and wreck his body life and total existence, and ruin the last small pieces of humanity left in him.

To look at them both as I did then made me wonder how for two totally different reasons, both of these men were fighting the same thing, one was fighting death to try and stay alive, the other seemed to me to be fighting life to try and die

I remember thinking that this was obviously the way of the world, and how it would all end for me, although neither seemed particularly attractive lol.

I do remember though Si, my brother between treatments when he was at home, insisting on looking the best he could at all times, hed say to me "Rat help me get cleaned up and changed, I cant let this "bug" as he called it determine how I live, even if it will determine how I die". And we as a family were not allowed to tell people, how sick he was. He continued to go to college, and learn, sit exams, for qualifications, he knew he would never use, he would sing and play guitar at college functions to raise money for charities etc. That was his way of dealing with "the Bug".

My way of dealing with it all was simple, I became a first rate 100 carat ass hole, the sort of kid only a mother can love, and I tried that to the limit too. It just all seemed pointless, futile to me, because one way or another, the way I saw it I was doomed. At age 16 I was well on my way to joining my Father in one of Irelands many gutters, I got on well with him at that time because we were that same, thought the same, did the same. I shudder at some of the momories of that short period of time, and wonder if I will ever have the inner strength to confront those memories.

It took a complete stranger to make me realise that there was a choice, but that the hardest thing to do was to decide to make that choice, he taught me that Si was right, the only thing that can take away your dignity is yourself, there are always choices, when you cant see an option, it is because you dont want to, or cant be bothered. This guy walked the streets of Cork and found me, because my mum asked him to, he pulled me out of a shop doorway, i was sharing with my dad, and carried me covered in piss, some mine some donated by passers by, back home, where he stripped me, cleaned me up, and, when I opened my mouth and hurled the normal abuse at my mum, spanked my ass like a 5 year old. I remember his words now "Just becauuse you have no respect for yourself, that doesnt allow you to treat your mother with no respect"

This guy has since that night, in my mind gone from a person I wanted to kill slowly and painfully, to a man I respect, honour and love. How, simply by going about his business, and his life, in a way that demonstrated to me that life isnt a choice of A and B a choice between good and bad, it isnt a pre determined choice of this or that.

It is an open plain, where we can choose any direction, and any path, we can go straight along a path from here to where we want to go, or we can meander along the way, but the main point is irrespective of where we start from, we can end up wherever we want to, only we decide which path we take where we end up and which route we take.

I dont think I will ever forgive him for baring my ass in front of my mum and sister and spanking me like a child,lmao, although i was behaving like one. I do however thank him, for doing it with all my heart,for the direction he has shown me and the life I now have, a great life my own car, a stunningly beautiful sexy, and understanding girlfriend. My life wasnt pre determined, I had choices and fortunately a guy who showed me how to find those choices

Over the last couple of months it kinda feels like ive been stretched into being a grown up, I came here at 16 to live and in like two and half years its like I have transformed from a mouthy kid with a massive chip on his shoulder, to a guy who is ablwe to take responsability fro himself as well as others.
Never thought id be that guy, I sort of always thought id be a kid, and that people would make decisions on my behalf, and i think I assumed i would always be happy to let them,
How life changes

When I first came to the uk to live a couple of years back, just after the death from blood cancer of my hero and big brother Si, I was a paain in the ass I guess, dunno about a chip on my shoulder I had a whole portion of them, I had just lost my brother, my father was a drunk,who had just hiy#t me so hard i ended up in hospital, and my mum had fallen for this brit guy, who thought he had the answer to everything. Next thing I know we are moving to England.

I thought that all this was reason enough for me to be a right little prick, and when anyone pointed out that I was being a twatt, Id just give them my list of "reasons" my "justification" and think that it would be accepted by them. After all i was only 16.

It took this knowall brit called lifeboatguy to sit me down one day, and ask me how long I thought I could hu#ide behind my past, how long was I going to continue to blame others for my behaviour and short comings, was I for example prepared to end up like my father, and say "It wasnt my fault, it was because when i was a kid......". I remember cursing him telling himhe was all the bastards from hell all rolled into one, but he had started me thinking.

Over the last 2 years I have grown up, a lot and I realise now that he was right and i was just repeating the behaviour that took my father to the depths he is in.

So by looking at my Father, I now realise the debt I owe this guy, the knowall that I now call Pops and regard not as my father but as my Dad.

Recently he has had to deal with some real hard stuff, when one of his sons, Steven, whilst serving with Special Forces on the Afghan Pakistani border, was shot twice by the Taliban.

The calmness and dignity in which he took that information on board and ent about sorting and deciding what he needed to do, when I myself, having become quite close to Steve ove the last 2 years was about to return to being that obnoxious lil ass hole i had been before.

In the midst of this he sat me down and explained that now it was my turn to step up to the mark, and be the man that he knew I could be. He left me in charge basically, not only of looking after his daughterin law, Steves fiance, and their small child, but also his business.

I cant describe how his faith and confidence in me has made me feel. Other than to say Im 18 and regarded as a man, for the first time in my life, not only do I know what being a Man n#means but I also feel I am on my way to achievib#ng becoming one.

Thanks Pops LBG one in many many million

His trust and faith in me meant more to me than anything I can explain

Visited my hometown for a few days last week, with LBG, to catch upon family stuff etc, and to see the man who calls himself my dad.

Its amazing how quickly your head drops back into the past and life takes on a different feel , I switch from the confident guy I am here back to the scared wee kid i used to be there.

I met up with my father at my nans place, he had apparently been sober for a few weeks, but the idea of meeting me knocked him off the wagon.I spent some time with him trying to find a reason and a desire to want to be there and to care what happens to the man.

Im not a hard person nor do I think Im a bad person, but I found myself becoming more and more, detached from the guy, and had little compassion when he was trying to justify his life and behaviour, the violence towards me and my siblings, as well as my mum, and my nan.

I guess I went to meet him because i was confused, last time i saw him he put me in hospital, for trying to protect my mum, I waanted to find something good and positive, about the man, and to want to visit him again and try and get to know and understand him.

The only feelings I can muster for him, are Pity, and disgust for a life wasted, and the love of a family that he could have had but threw away

I know people will criticise because They will say he is ill, and cant help his addiction, and I do feel somehow guilty that I am unable to even consider thinking of him in any other way, he simply means nothing to me anymore.

We left him back in his favourite place, the pub, where people acknowledge him, and then steer clear of him because of the violence.

I wish him well as a human being, but see no future in having him as part of our lives.

We decided to try and do some good this halloween so dressed up or down however you look at it, and went round the pubs and clubs trick or treating. To raise n#money for Cancer Research.
For the guys a treat was one of the scantily clad girls, Rachael my gf and her mates, giving them a special table type dance, if they cj#hose trick they got me and a couple of other mates doing likewise in thongs lol.
We obviously changed it round for the ladies ehhe.
The great thing was, how easily and readily everyone joined in with the fun, even in the older peoples type of pubs, the staff at the pubs and clubs let us in free, and we raised £300+ and had a great night.
Only casualty was a bite on my butt, which i do not remember happening, lol.

So anyone who gave so generously to us last night thanks, but in general thanks to the british public, for joining in and having fun with us, and The local police for seeing the good in what we were doing and turning a blind eye.

To all the guys and beautiful girls on here who commented my blog or messaged me regarding it, Thankyou.

Your advice and observations have been a great help in allowing me to come to a decision.

I will be popping back to Ireland for a few days in early November, accompanied by LBG, while there I will meet my father, (I now distinguish him as my father, and LBG as my dad as does my sister)Going to see my grandmother mainly but will meet with him and see where things go.

It will also allow me and LBG to go on a wee bender in Cork lol, which will result in me gettig legless and him having to care for me, not quite in the beer drinking league of the paras yet lmao, we will certainly have a good craic, will also tend Si's grave, back in Cobh.

Will be raising a glass or two to you guys there too

Think I know what im gonna do re my dad,
I will meet him once because my thinking is, he probably doesnt remember much of the stuff he did a he was shit faced most of the time, I guess I also think that if he thinks he has justification for some of his behaviour I wanna hear it.

I have said to my sister, that I dont think she can gain anything good from this guy, and that maybe she should console herself in the fact that she has a great life now ith money to spend and 2 parents who guide help and support her in whatever she decides to do. She herself has no recollection of ever seeing him sober.

From my point of view I would like to try and explain to him why he has lost the chance to be a part of our lives, and that he himself once obviously made a decision to follow a path that eventually led him to where he now finds himself.
We my sister and I are at that point now where we must decide what our future is to become.

I hope to be able to shake his hand and leave him,, and to have a vision in my mind of him someday finding happiness, instead of the vision i have of his boot hitting me in the stomach.

I thank all the people who commented my blog, and sent pms

As a lot of you know I came here coz my brother Si spent soma happy times on here I thought id take a look also.
Bizzarely Si dieing as he did allowed my mum to meet a guy who is probably the greatest bravest and most modest and remarkable role model, a young guy like me could wish for, I do actiually wonder what would have become of me and my sister (shes16 now) if this hadnt happened.
LBG as you know him gave up his time and his running of his business to go to Ireland where we lived to act as a councellor for my Ma me and Sinaed. When I first met him I thought what does this old fucker know about what im going through or what I have endured.

My so called Fatheris a complete waste of space alcoholic who loves nothing more than to beat the people in his life that normal people love and cherish, on the day of my brothers funeral we passed him in the street on the way to Cobh Cathedral for the service he was leaning against a wall pissed outta his brain, he didnt make the funeral, im pleased to say.

Shortly after he decided he wante to move back into our house, although there was an injunction to stop him. I ended up in Cork Infirmary trying to stop him. He beat Ma about a bit then too, what he didnt realise was that LBG was in Cobh, so lets say my Dad got some payback.

However, now to explain the weird title of my blog, we have been contacted by my paternal grandmother, who now says that he is sober straight and wants to try and undo the wrongs he has done, and wants to meet me and Shins.

Ma and LBG have left it to us to decide, although LBG says we are not meeting him unless he is present to start with. My dilemma now is Do Leopards Change their spots or not. 99% of my whole being says tell him to go fekk himself, my sister is looking to me for guidance, and i dunno what to do

Attended a birthday party for the black stuff at a local hostelry here last night.

Purchased myself one bugger of a hangover so i did, feling distinctly below par lol. Until 9 pm we paid 1p a pint lmao.
And a good many 1p s were spent lol.

My apologies to Rache my gf for passing out in her parents kitchen, guess as she says this will not help improve the local anglo irish agreement lol. But theres little else we Irish are good at lol.

I been laying here, feeling lousy, thinking, how lucky I am that I know why I feel so shitty, and that it will get better.

So to all you people out there who feel ill, lousy, unwell, or shite, and through no fault of your own. You have my heartfelt admiration and i hope yopu all get a wee respite from that which ails you.

Im now off to see if vomiting will improve my self indulgent situation.

Seems kinda weird being here after so long.
I wanted so much to come here 2 years ago when Si, my brother died, but then aged 16, I was not allowed.

Si loved it here, it appealed to his sense of fun, and adventure, and we know he had loads of fun and laughs here, he also had some hassle, which combined with his illness, I think caused him to leave here.

I originally joined here now aged 18 with my families, and my gorgeous gf Rache's blessing, in order to say thankyou to his friends and the people here whop were so supportive to me and my family on Si's death, I was then going to leave here.
Howeversince I have been here I have had some good fun and met some incredible people, added tothe fact that Rache likes it here I think I will hang around a little longer.