north and south's Blog - page 234

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a Young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway.
There, he surprised her in the produce department,and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
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> > (It's a beauty)
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> > "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAFEWAY."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says "Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says “I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour” she replies.

Great, the husband says, “Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He xxxxxx himself to remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

CORPORATE LESSON 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size. Another good lesson!!

CORPORATE LESSON 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

*Poof!*She's gone.

In astonishment “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina-coladas and the love of my life.

*Poof!* He's gone.

“OK, you're up” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral Of The Story: always let your boss have the first say.

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, 'OK, take off all your crose'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odderside of woom'.
Again the woman did as she was told.
Dr Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me'
As she did, Dr Chang shook his head slowly, your probwem vewy vewy bad ..
You have Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see dat why you not haf sex or dates.
The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my god Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang sighed deeply and said, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like your Ass'

Try Saying...

FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.

TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.

TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

It loses something in the translation
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with your mates, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with your mates smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

I just want to let whoever is voting my pics down know, that you are wasting your time.
Comments are all that matter to me as they are thoughtful and sincere.
It's pretty easy to use numerous accounts to vote down someones pics and then run like a coward just because I may have upset you. I'm above all that.

Actually I'm quite flattered that I'm important enough for someone to go to all that trouble over little ol me.
It seems this happens to a number of regulars, so I guess this is my official induction as an NN member...

maybe you can downvote us to 1.0 ?
please do your best...then we can cancel our account.....and all will be happy...or not ?

Remember what is most important.....
Its not having everything go right, its facing whatever goes wrong.
Its not being without fear, its having the determination to go on in spite of it.
Its not about where you stand, but the direction you're going in.
Its more than never having bad moments, Its knowing you are always bigger than the moment.
Remember to live just this one day and not add tomorrow's troubles to today's load.
Love what you do, be the best you can, and always remember how much you are loved!!!