sakman's Blog

Porn has been a friend of mine since wayyyyy before it was socially acceptable for me to consume it. (I blame rap music and MSG). I feel that I can comfortable say I am familiar with the mainstream beats and rhythms that it adheres to, and for a long time, it did the trick, but I think that has been over for a while now.

I'm not saying that I am so jaded with pornography that I need something more to get me going- I know that's an issue for a lot of folks. Nor am I saying that I suddenly find it morally objectionable- I could never find that high ground to stand on.

For me, I think that what really turns me on is authentic enjoyment, the absorption in the moment that only comes when sex and nudity is more than performative and transactional. It sounds like a cliche, but I'd rather help someone to an actual orgasm than reach one myself with someone who wasn't into it...into ME. (I never said that it wasn't about my ego, at least a little)

I guess that is what I like here- we all want to be here, we want to see AND be seen (the occasional invasions of privacy that slip through notwithstanding), and that's beautiful. Lets all keep doing our thing!

I'm not egotistical enough to believe that someone would read this just to hear my thoughts about myself, but on the other hand, I'm just egotistical enough to think I'm gonna do it anyway......

SO, there was a recent death in my close family. It was slow, coming, and everything was expected except for my grief. I have so much anger and tears inside me sometimes that I don't understand it, and exploding isn't really an option, so I swallowed it, which left little room for perving.

While I'm not gonna pretend that the grieving is over, I am figuring out how to make room for perving too, and so I am dipping my toe back in the NN pool. This is all a roundabout, overly verbose, self-indulgent way of giving advance notice for any future peculiar behavior. Unless I'm just in a weird mood today. Cheers.

I realize that I am a bit of a contradiction.

Outside of this site, I am hugely self-conscious. Even here, sometimes I look at my own pictures and wonder who IS that dude bare-ass naked? outside of here, I hate to even wear a tank top, I get defensive if I'm asked about my tattoos. For a long time, I couldn't figure it out.

I think it's about control and choice. I CHOOSE to put myself here, and I CONTROL the people that see me, and that makes all the difference. In fact, I have rejoiced in the discovery of my inner exhibitionist. It has been an interesting exploration into what turns me on (which, it turns out, is lots of shit)

Of course, it's not that simple. what happens if my life outside here and my life here collide? Would I ever run into a NNer here, what would my reaction be? can it really be exhibitionism when I blur my face and obscure my tattoos?

I wonder how y'all look at it. is it the act of looking, or being looked at that lights the spark? What would make you stop posting- too much attention, or not enough attention? I look at some folks here that seem to just be here to socialize, and I wonder if I would ever be able to separate the perving from the sociability of a like minded community...

Any thoughts?

It seems strange to say words on body positivity here of all places, but since this is body positivity week and I have been foolishly given a platform in the form of this blog, i'mma talk.

I always thought that expression of sexuality and loving who you love were easy, uncontroversial things. Attraction is by definition intensely personal, and nuanced. Who wants to have a type, when there is a whole wide world of sexy shit to get into? What I find sexy depends on lots of things: whether you're an asshole is pretty central, but there's also cleverness, confidence, happiness, and other stuff. Nowhere in my criteria are ethnicity, BMI, shaving habits, assigned gender at birth, or thigh gap.

Now, i realize that millions of women aren't exactly sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear that I'd do them, as the final step in order to overcome their body issues. Nobody's self esteem should hinge on whether someone else finds them hot. I also live in the real world and know that the opinions of others matter, especially among us pervs

So, in the spirit of the times, I declare that all y'all MFers are sexy. Even you there.

I'm sure everyone has been dying to know what I find sexy, right? well:

I wasted so much time in my life trying to quantify what sexiness was, what trait was the best, but I realize that sexy is more than the sum of individual parts.

it's the arch of the eyebrow when you know you've got me excited.

it's the small, lazy smile that invites attention.

it's the body language that appeals to me more than any piece of lingerie.

I don't know why this has been on my mind lately- maybe it is because being here helps me put my finger on what it is that turns me on, without the burden of expectation, social approbation, or rejection.

it's the attitude of welcoming that only comes when you embrace your own skin.

it's lust without labels, sex without segregation, attraction without subtraction, and there are as many ways to find it as there are folks under the sun.

it's a brush of the tongue on my ear.

it's venus dimples that beckon to me.

It is definitely in all of us. good luck finding it in one another!

I suspect I'm gonna alienate some folks with these thoughts, so it's a good thing that NOBODY READS THESE....

Anyway, I've been sorting out how I feel about the tribute requests I see so often here. I know that they turn lots of folks on, and I have no problem with that, but I will never do it. Ever.

Giving a tribute, in my mind, is more of a performance on demand than I am willing to do, as much as I love you pervs. Everytime someone presumes to ask me to do that (usually for "their wives' or 'girlfriends') I feel like I am contributing to a weird power imbalance that I can't get my head around (not to even get into all the ones that specifically want a black guy to tribute their 'wife').

The thing is, what's hot about it? The fact that you can get someone to do that just for you, your image? that you can elicit that response at all? Am I, perhaps, overthinking this again? (I can see you nodding your heads) I guess it's all a little too performative and manipulative for me, nothing against all the many, many folks that seem to love that kind of thing! If I cum to you, and want to share, I'll continue to tell rather than show. Carry on

Since I have been active on this site, I have found that, even when I have no other motivation to go to the gym, I can always tell myself that maybe I will look good enough to take another pic...

So far it has been working. There's a part of me that thinks, at my age, shouldn't I just be working out for health? Isn't this the time I should be beyond all the superficialities of appearance?

SO far, general health and longevity has been an awesome side effect of trying to like the way I look in the mirror naked, if I'm honest. However, I look at some of the hot ass folks here and I guess it isn't so bad to take whatever motivation you can get.

What's your motivation?

BTW, I'm not just talking about the gym. getting out of bed, getting dressed, deciding to get my ass to bed instead of stroking myself to y'all, it's all motivation

Well, I suppose this place is for any random thoughts or musings too lengthy and permanent for the status updates, so I thought I would examine my impressions after 1.5 months of activity here (and years upon years of lurking)

I find myself conflicted sometimes here. I find that I am omnisexual, as far as attention goes, but occasionally I find myself overthinking things (as nobody that knows me should be surprised). Where is the line between exhibitionism and commodification here? I find myself wanting to stereotype myself and be what (I suspect) so many NNers want me to be, but if I can't be myself here, where CAN I be myself?

It's obvious at this point that this is more for myself than for anyone else, but dammit, I'm continuing. ANYHOW.... despite my dithering, I'm very happy to be here, to see and be seen, and to feed my fantasies. Perhaps I should describe some here?....