str8NJman's Blog

We strike and swing and strike and swing
And swing
And swing

Deep penetrating gashes of bludgeoned curls
Hiding foot steps of past woe and heart break

I scream at lungs peak
Asking for forgiveness and compassion
Yet Receiving the fickle end of the sword
Slashing down across my inner child

Telling me I am wrong to think my worth is worth
I am wrong to assume I can hope against all the odds

I am left broken and bleeding
Whimpering at hurts feet
Because I chose,
to give my heart
And place my heart
and allow my heart
To feel
To want
To desire
To hope
But now knowing that all that
piled high on my heart
and served to the masters
doesn't add up to the hidden turmoil of the wicked

No matter which choices or demons arise
I will always befall a hurtful exit
Leaving so much more
than droplets of self inflected scars
and crocodile tears

For every drop
is another layer of coating around my heart
Rendering it harder to feel
Harder to desire
and so much more harder to hope

You want truth
Look and see with your eyes
but not your minds eye
your hearts

Look within and see the distant crippled soul
that bleeds numbers and sweet fetish call names
Trying to evoke special meaning to simple hellos


Because
Because
because can you see that it has become all I am worth

I scream and send them
because I want you to shout into the night air

"MY GOD MY GOD .. WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN AND FELT THIS AMAZING GRACE BEFORE .. WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN THE POWER OF THIS SPECIAL SOUL"

In deep reflection
I know it will not happen because its not felt

Unknown realizations
will never befall the wants and desires
of this lonely lonely child

God why has thou forsaken me
I have given to all
every bit of my heart and soul
and yet still
none has jumped in and proclaimed it wholly theirs

They have picked and taken pieces
that best benefited there desires and needs
but never ever has someone seen
and latched on to it
for dear life
Clutching and holding till deaths grip
pried cold and lifeless fingers from its hold
Never has anyone wanted it
to fulfill its entire need and desire

Perhaps it is incomplete itself
Perhaps it is not good enough for that all
Maybe having partial indifference is all it is worth

So as I sweep up the remains of its scattered pieces
it reminds me of a area after a riot
mobs break in
in clear sight of day
and take what it is they want

No one offerers to stop them
not even the owners
because the numbers outweigh the protectors

After the area is striped of its worth and value
it is left barren and frozen
Wicked and useless
Scared and torn with injury and hurt

Yet I know I will always attempt to rebuild
and let it regrow
Because closing the area because of fear is like giving up on life
and your main belief in life
and nothing is worth that
No one

So I sweep my scattered remains into a pile
and glue them together
trying to create a smaller version
of what was once there

I only ask that you respect what you took
Don't abuse it
or walk away with destruction in your mind

My only solace
is that in the end
you will allow it to breed within your heart

And maybe someday you'll know that
at one point in your life
No one loved you more
and no one loved you with more passion
respect
and dignity
in ur entire life

Someday when the sun has set on us
You will fondly reflect
and that tiny thought will creep into your head
And only then will you see
that in face
In all ends

We were merely meant to be
Forever and Always

as I bring in years
past ones fade
into one overwhelming pile
of forgotten moments and times
All that was recorded in my mind
has simply vanished into nothing

the people remain
select memories retained
but the daily tick tock
of my life's clock
has drifted into an oblivion

my mark on this world
is as forgotten as the people
who's names i cant recall
and who's faces all seem to fill my head
like a sildeshow of mug shots

my past gone
as breaths took
as blood bled
as tears cried

I look at this year
with a awe of wonder
I'm so much better than i was
but so far from what I could be

I'm a us
and a we
trapped inside a I
and a me

Rhymes wiggle
like a hexagon riddle
flying form and passion
with little compassion

I can rhyme
I can pretend
but I cant force
my pride to bend

yet I write these fictitious
lyrical spherical words
as if they meant a flying fuck
to anyone reading

I realize that in the end
the only one who realizes
is me

the only one who knows
is me

and the only one who understand
this wanton disaster of mental cruelty
is me

its much to late
I'm sorry
but to subtract a division
is the only thing
that will allow me to add a future

long and behold
as I left your goodbye
sitting shameless and wicked
while painted dashes
wizzed past my eye

oh is it sad to admit
how I left my soul
for a taste of smile
and the oceans eyes

given for ten pence
tho basically for free
i set my heart and soul
upon hotels door
laying on the nearer side
of pictures vision

and as I lay
I allowed myself to dream
seeing love's light in your eyes
and realizing how much greater it was
than mine could ever be

so far greater

how little i should have felt
but didnt
being out loved.
Is that a game?
Is there a winner?
and therefore a loser?

Perhaps as slippery moments
bled stary night
I relented
and realized love's selfishness

I leaned forward
though u didnt see
to see if this was my dream
and I inhaled deeply
the sigh that befell
overcame any scent that presided
in the flowing beauty that lay before

T'was at that moment
that specific instant
as I lay next to awe
and your acceptance sang to me
that I realized I need to step away

not from you
nor accented sugar
but in hope and wish

Far to needy
far to wanting
and far to far away

I hope you enjoyed my heart
for it was given to you
on the crispness of your sound

Stop and reflect
for a single instant
and imagine the gift I had layed

Sometimes we don't realize
the hight of a gift
because it doesn't fulfill extremes
but don't always look at effect
sometimes we need to turn
and notice the effect the giver befell
sometimes the gift is overshadowed
by the gift of giving it
and the courage it took to present
and the pain that was left in its stay

but if
but if
My dreams came true
this poem would have ended
with me and you.

the listless bane existence of want and desire
seems ill repressed in the face of courage and reach

gathering dust particles
keeping busy
so not to focus on anything real
like holding umbrella tight
so raindrops don't mist your face
as your refusal to turn around
guards you from noticing the crest of the tsunami
about to crash on your head

your refusal to acknowledge doesn't make it disappear
so don't act surprised when it crashes down
and washes away your conviction
leaving you cold and lonely

weakness doesn't exist in the tiny tear drop of softness and expression
rather it grows in the repression of honest opportunity

hurt and pain doesn't exist within failure
it shreds my dreams

as I lay my soul at the footsteps of your stride
merely to have you trip over my care
because your refusal to peek beyond self built walls
blinds you to chance and possibility

focusing so hard on fast paced daily grind
because the thought of stopping
and allowing
is so fucking scary

yet even that is deflected
by layered armor

you have no right
to silently smirk at my expressions
just because you paint my heart
stereotypically soft and weak

don't you see the courage it takes
to jump without knowing your landing

don't you realize having my heart
equals having my courage
to shield yours without hesitation

true acceptance of physical pain
as I rather it be me

don't you see that loving me
means you can lean on my so called weaknesses
for strength an support
because I will never let you fall

id carry you
within my own single footprint in the sand
because loving you
means I hurt at your pain
I smile at your happiness
and I gloat in your accomplishments

its so much easier to love without the vulnerability of stripped existence

i don't dwell on the reality of a stranded heart
laying on the floor as you passed without a glance
watching you walk and fade from sight
is almost beauty in its own right

watching the sun reflect off your silhouette
as it slowly is disappears into the distance
crossing the horizon in a blink of an eye
its gone

as my focus startles at the tap on my shoulder
turning around
I curse my own ignorance
as even I failed to notice the angel sitting on my shoulder

her wings flutter as she carries me and tends to my hurt
making me a better me

thought Ill never forget the desire in my heart
as I screamed your name
while your presence shrunk with every step

ill never forget how bad I wanted you
to merely turn around
and breath life in the image of perfection
I had/have in my head of how things could be
would be

if you merely believed in me and allowed me to love you
like I so knew I could
as in parts .. i still would

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"BELIEVE IT"
of course I do Boo

As fears bleed
with the sting of emotion
I offer open soul
to distant places where actions and reactions
do not need feel's emotion

wind whispers
as I want you's
fall on mute's ear
and mimed responses
While I silently scream
beyond unwanted gifts

Walk with me
valiantly into the good night
as whining sorrow
is whining none the less
even if pains the fuel

yet this is my place
to throw emotional rocks
upon white picket fences
as I watching the blood dripping remains
and sunburned scars still stinging from sweat's salt

Deep conversation,
expression of soul and feelings.
Leaving me content with decisions,
and though not,receiving glory,
totally understood.

Then reality.

As feeble attempts at humors bane.
I crack emotions palate,
of intending laughter.
Yet receiving silent tones,
leaving blushing smiles,
to fears of non intentional worry.

Climbing up hollows rock,
screaming into the abyss.
Intentions were good,
yet knowing it really doesnt matter.

so once again I'm here,
defining sorrows belief,
in simplistic foolish words
whos meaning never quite reaches desired effect,

Where has understanding gone?
Slipped in the tub of despair,
cracking open pandoras box.
Finding comfort once again,
in the silence of a goodbye.

Riddled within life's little things,
jonesing for my fix.
I'm addicted to,
assurances,
understanding,
and band-aids on my doubt.

Will I meet her?
Flinging body's sweat,
throwing away lifetime's belief's?
Passion is as passion does.

One precious smile.
One precious hello.

If I could take pain,
I would.
For that is care beyond selfishness.
Even if left stranded,
alone and weary.

As memory's fades,
so do I.
With all my needs,
with all my required assurances,
with all my faults.

So many faults.
my only perfection,
is the care itself.

yet that I'm told,
is not enough.
So I breath lonely's hidden fear,
as jealousy rages inside.
Anger and ire directed within.
Lost in the translation,
from emotional to physical.

The only physical loss,
is drenched red,
dripping question,
am i enough?

sillie rabbit trix are for real people,
don't u know that.

I am all that my doubt allosw me to be.
If i am nothing,
then nothing I shall become.
No tears.
My dear.
because feelings never lie.
and neither does reality

Do you think you can tell
Do you think you can feel

As memories and feelings
sit on cliffs edge
frozen in awe at stunning views

Trance like internal emotions
are swept into focusing
on the tones and hues
of the glorious sunset

As i sit here
in focused thought
wishing it were
so much more than pictures in my soul
and songs in my head

Feelings seep
forming hopes and dreams
forcing me to realize so much about reality

Sometimes dreams are present
not as a goal or places to be reached
but merely to allow us that moment of escape
so that we don't need to focus so hard
on our current path or situation of life

Its so hard to wish on the stars of tomorrow
because I can't seem to find stable ground
to throw my wish's from

As my focus shifts from object to form
I cant help but ask myself
am I merely allowing a troubled existence
because I can not seem to find my way

spinning and turning
my heart becomes dizzy
in the confusion of here and now

Please do not judge me with the whip of a word
I am so much more than most realize
so much more than many can understand

I am my own polygraph
I judge myself harder than anyone else can
my honesty always is with myself first
and second here
in words and emotions
I offer truth and openness
because failure to do so
would just mean you adore a facade
a me that I want you to see
and not a me that I am

You can't love half
if you don't know all of me
then your love is as hollow
as the presented hidden truth

I will never lay claim to beauty
I will never assume greatness
then again those that do
lay in that facade

Are you pretty because they love you
or do they love you because your pretty
that is a question ill never ask myself
for I never present a fixation of glamour
I merely admit to beautiful attraction
The rest lay much deeper and stronger

It forms at the pit of meaningful conversation
and deeper connections

so until you admit who you are to yourself
how can you believe anyone loves you for it

I am me
I am all I am
no one will ever confuse me with greatness

Nothing I own is priceless
yet everything I offer is

nothing I can create alone is perfection
I merely offer half of you're completion

"true love and beauty are blind, they cannot be seen with the eyes, but with the heart. We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." *



*That last quote wasn't written by me but it remains one of my favorite quotes ever. The author is Sam Keen

Well folks been a while .. I haven't had much in me to write .. Idk .. Just haven't ... Things are good .. I'm still single ... I've met someamazing peop le and have had some pretty nice connections but seems that timing wasn't right or what have you ... Its all good .. I don't see meeting someone really nice, having a connection and having things not work out as a bad thing ... To me its more fuel for myself to truly stand firm and not settle ... I won't deny that losing that tingle of hope is disappointing .. Because it is .. But there are a lot of things in life that are .. Moping dwelling and giving up isn't something That's going to help ... Took me a long time to realize that .. Perhaps it was a way for me to hold on to it a little longer than I should have ... Thereby keeping the slightest bit of hope open ... I'm sure a lot of people are saying .. Umm no shit Joe we been telling u that forever ... Well to them I say .. Fuck u lol .. I'm hard headed what can I say

So I guess I have a strong out look on things recently .. A better understanding of the person I want to be with .. Because meeting someone special makes u realize so much more of that

If ur looking for a egotistical self centered person stocked full of false confidence I'm not your man and to be quite honest .. Ur not my girl ... Someone who puts a huge emphases on that aspect in a man isn't someone who would make me happy anyway ... As quite possibly I wouldn't make them ... I have confidence in my ability to love .. In my belief in people .. I have a strength of courage to defend what is dear to me ... I don't care what you think you know about me .. U don't know the everyday me ... So please don't because ur selling me short and in turn showing ur ignorance

God do I love to come here and open myself .. I love getting feedback on
that I say and how I express it ... I don't lie about them and I don't make them pretty ... Its real .this venue allows me that asses point .. A way to dig deep .. Collect the raw and bitter truths about myself .. i enjoy that

i do get frustrated at times .. i do wish i had that ability to turn it on and off at a whim or notion .. but i don't .. my fault my bad .. yet in a sense i think thats what separates me from others .. thats "MY" talent .. expression through written word is only a third of it .. application of them and making them work are the others .. I've always found a deeper self within words and i will tell you .. i wasn't good at the action part until my writing became more about what i truly feel and think and less about the nonsense of it ... i really believe that

in the end I'm doing good .. i have a sense of direction and I'm walking toward it .. people who have touched me in the past will always be remembered by the effect they had on me .. i don't forget .. i just keep it in my own place ... i will move on and forward ... i keep reminding my self of a really good song by aerosmith called amazing thats a part that says

life's a journey not a destination

i love that .. so is happiness .. happiness isn't something you strive for .. its something you feel and take along with you in that journey ... i never considered myself a person who saw the glass as half empty but i was ... always striving for what i wanted rather than finding a happiness in what i had .. things you will add in that journey are accepted and also enjoyed ... people will come and go in your life .. some will stay a while and leave a ever standing memory and some will never leave .. they always merely linger in the halls or your heart .. i have a few people like that ... perhaps not in my everyday world but defiantly in my everyday heart

i think i have been enjoying this aspect of myself .. i used to hurt at the thought of someone not liking me or someone not realizing my worth .. now there doubt drips down my back .. barely noticeable .. perhaps even themselves being seen as a joke ... i remember wanting to be with people so bad that the thought of me not being worthy was ever present .. now i just realize that more than anything in this world i deserve someone who wants nothing other than to be mine ... and vise versa ... patience is a virtue and understanding want and love is a growth is paramount .. i have that .. i don't mind waiting and building ... i stoped focusing on just what was being built and just more concentrating on enjoying it and what ever it looks like in the end is fine .. acceptance is the only option .. the alternative is dwelling on things that will never be

so i end this by saying things have been good .. I'm feeling good about things ... I'm out there in the mix .. ill never be a "dating whore" .. ill never juggle many girls ... but i am willing to be there for the possibility of something amazing .. i wont settle for less ... i think that aspect of me is definitely beneficial to my own happiness but i cant help but think it will have some trickle down effect on me as a whole ... perhaps in a sense of a word .. a better person .. which cant hurt lol

I worked 16 hours today .. it was a bit lonely to reflect on the meaning of today .. but i kinda figured it would be .. as i sat to write this i remember something i read a long time ago ...

"Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

now that doesn't totally pertain to me in that strong sense of it .. but the general idea that .. if it feels so good to meet someone who might not be THE ONE ... imagine how great it will be when i finally do ... thats kinda kewl

ill leave you with something final

one day someone will come along and give you a million reasons why it never worked out with anyone else

I try to always come to a better understanding of myself ... The way I think my actions my reasons and feelings of or towards love or care .. I try to notice my mistakes weather thru a realization of my own or if someone shows me them

I believe I make an honest effort to correct them or to alter

See I believe I'm a honest n true romantic but not in the silly hopeless way .. I'm more so a realistic romantic

I know you might be wondering what the fuck is the difference

Allow me to explain

A hopeless romantic thinks making love on a beach is beautiful and romantic .. the sound of the waves crashing on the shore .. the smell of the ocean the wonderful cool breeze as it skims across the water tops all over your bodies .. caressing it in its own right .. the beautiful passion of two people kissing and opening them selves to each other

Now that sounds so very beautiful .. yet .. the realist in me thinks of sand in my shorts .. kneeling in the sand and sinking as you put ur weight down .. tilting to one side and losing ur balance because the sand is uneven ... Oh can't forget about the bugs

I guess they say making love on a beach sounds wonderful to those who never tried it .. I guess I didn't have to see a realistic side of it all

To me romance is making the person ur with feel special every single day .. its the little things that someone can do that screams how much u think about them and how much u wanted to make them happy dominates your life .. thats why i dont belive in Valentines day .. why does there have to be one day out of there year where society says you have to act and do things as you should have been doing all along

Little notes .. a small gift of thought .. a random txt or phone call .. Waking up at 4am just to txt them because they have to be up n you didn't want them to feel like the only person in the world up at that hour

I mean really what more could we want in this life than too have someone who makes us feel that they will always be there for us ... always care and never take them for granted ..Making somone feel appreciated goes further than you realize

Perhaps its me I've always known there is another level to being in love that a lot of people settle without .. maybe they are scared to open up that much to someone .. maybe being that vulnerable to one person just shields them to not even wanting it .. or maybe I live in a fairy tale world aLot more than I realize

I just believe being with someone .. loving them .. caring about them .. should take you to the point of honestly opening ourselves to being totally unguarded and free .. I believe that it takes us to a place where everyday worries and issues seem a distant second to what's important .. when you have someone like that .. the bad's dont seem so bad and the good's become great .. and you focus on what you have rather than things you don't have

Of course I have I will and ill always make mistakes ... ill find myself realizing what I've done or am doing .. but the thing I think that matters most isn't so much the error .. but the honest and true attempt to correct it and real desire to not do it again

No one is perfect so why punish a mistake that isn't obviously or intentionally meant to hurt or harm

Especially when a little attention to the issue is all it might take to ease and stop it

I don't know I guess ill never truly figure it all out and perhaps no one is supposed to all I know is how to be me

I know in my heart there arent to many people who love with a greater sense of understanding that me .. Sure there wont be millions of people chanting my name calling me awesome .. but Id take being one persons "great" guy over that anyday

that realistic romantic inside of me knows that someday someone will let me be that person and until then all I can do is be me and hold true to my feelings no matter where they take me

Love isn't just a feeling we discover we have for someone .. we have to allow it to happen .. loving to a lower level is allot safer and sometimes all some people want in life and who am I to judge them or what they want .. if it works for them then that's good .. but for me there is no accepting lower ill always shoot for the moon even if that means pushing away someone who doesn't want the same

There is to much meterotricy in this world as it is I won't let love be one of them

HE pressed upon her,
and she froze,
he violated her innocence.
How could anyone be so cruel?
so selfish?

It wasn't his actions that forbears pain,
it was his disregard for her,
How he stole her sanctity,
and how he took away her belief,
that people are inherently good.

He took away her trust
not in him
but in everyone

he took away her pride
not in man
but within herself

he brought her pain
not physical pain
not mental pain
but emotional pain
and that is the worst kind

His death will not cure her
his apologies will not sooth her fears
his pain will not comfort her numbness

in time she may cope
but she will never forget
in time she may step forward
but she will always glance behind

he stole everything from her,
that we as humans are born to own;
the ability to feel secure,
the ability to feel pride in self,
the ability to hold heads high in honor,
the ability to rightfully express love and care,
and most importantly
the ability to express free will


As a friend I am angry
As a caring soul I am heartbroken
As a man I am disgusted
and as a human being I am sorry